Soo .. I have sat down to try to write this a number of times, and every time it has resulted in an anxiety attack. Somehow my spouse is finding new and improved ways to make this whole situation worse.

My spouse has requested a temporary motion in order to start receiving funds, of which there are none, but for some reason my spouse seems to believe that if they can convince the court then funds will magically manifest. Like, this is somehow part of their game of “me says they says” and not a matter of “let’s look at all the bills, debts, paystubs, tax filings, and other financial obligations and see what is leftover”. The hard reality is that, at the end of each month, I barely have $100 left over after paying for bills/debts. I certainly don’t have the $2700/month my spouse is asking for.

So therapy is doing good, the talking is good. I always knew I needed the conversation, I love conversation, but I didn’t know how much it was missing my life. I used to talk to anyone, about anything. I even made games of it when I was younger, a game I find myself playing again. I just always needed to talk, and I am finally getting a chance to re-establish that back in my life, after so many years of being ignored. I have even found myself re-establashing some connections with friends that I have not talked with in quite some time. I need more of this in my life, the conversations, the connections, the just feeling like someone else in my life wants to understand me, that they are listening, and it isn’t just superficial. These conversations have me playing “ask me anything” again with my friends. Really, I love to talk, or write. I love to express and just get the words out. Word vomitting, a phrase I have borrowed from another friend of mine.

I had my first therapy session the other day, which once again, disssolved into a river of tears on my part. The talk was good, the therapist wants me to focus less on long-term “big picture” goals and more on small, workable goals I can achieve in the near term; easily achievable successess, benchmarks. Things to help re-establish my new reality.

Considering that I haven’t been getting much sleep in the last 7 weeks, and I spend most days in a state of anxiety, I was also directed to make an appointment with my Primary Care Provider about getting script for something for anxiety+depression and see if that helps with the insomnia.

Had some local friends over, as well as some friends whom drove for some 5 hours to come hang out and help out around the house. Overall it was a great time. Good food, good friends, good drinks. Much of the conversation was oriented around the situation unfolding in my life, with quite a bit of it discussing past episodes of similar behavior from my spouse, as well as other behavior. One of the guests had been friends with both my spouse and myself for multiple decades and they gave their point of view on many of the events going on, as well as insites into past behavior that was similar. A lot of it was just a form of social talk-therapy, for myself and I suspct for my friends. As one of them put it.

Depending on how I look at it, everything is either on the path to getting normal, or I am getting used to this abnormal state of being.

The other night was the first night since 02/10 that I managed to fall asleep w/out the background noise of a random TV series. Further more, last night was the first night in which I slept and did not wake up full of anxiety. I still woke up at 0300 in the morning, but the waking wasn’t horrble.

I have spent quite a bit of time the last couple of days discussing these events with a close and personal friend. Once again I find myself overwelmed by how much simple conversation means to me. I worry I word vomiting all my thoughts to people simply due to a lack of any ability to periodically release the pent up emotions, so instead it all comes rushing out of the spillway.